This past week was an interesting collision of highs and lows. Continuing with my usual reflections, I experienced an extreme lapse of self confidence when it came to certain competencies at my job. It wasn’t entirely rationale, and one could probably find a great deal of information online about how it’s typical for young people (and women in particular) to feel like they aren’t good enough when it comes to career related things. Despite my ability to recall these articles and studies, you just can’t prevent the head and heart from entering areas that lose control of one’s sense of self. Despite this, I managed to articulate an email that laid out how I wish to do better in my position and tried to proactively identify areas that I will work on while communicating my current insecurity.
I sent it to my two colleagues with no regrets and felt glad to share things like this because I realize that vocalizing shortcomings actually does help you reach your goals at the end of the day. That, and, I wanted that prickly voice that tried to convince me that I’m a failure to lose any “evidence” it may be storing in my unconscious.
The funniest part of this is all is that an interview was posted about my position on Team Canada, I was selected to play for this team in January 2014 and will play at the World Cup this December.
In this interview, I gave some advice to those who did not make the team. It included a story of my extreme disappointment when I did not make a hockey team when I was younger. But what I said at the end of the article was the true kicker. It said:
“In life, these obstacles are chances to work harder, dig in and fight to show who you really are. Focus in on what’s around you, the opportunities right in front of you and continue to strive for the best.”
And might I say, that is some raven trickster shit right there. Raven, a familiar character in Salish stories, is ultimately a mischievous trickster that partakes in situations that cause unexpected outcomes that play off one another. In other words, situations that are chock full of irony.
So I lay in a severe relapse of self confidence, a low that I hadn’t seen for several years but was a frequent ongoing experience in my early 20s. And eventually realized that I had two choices.
I pause here, because I want to mention how I’ve been reading my journals from my late teens to early 20s. And I was more likely to describe moments in my life when I felt sad and insecure. It depicts only a portion of my life and so my journals are a poor reflection of everything that I thought about during those years. I feel compelled to… Prove something to my younger self. From the person who too often drowned in their sorrows and quite honestly, wasted a lot of time with unproductive thinking.
I had two choices. 1) Respond in the same way as my younger self did. Which is to indulge a low and spend a few days pulling myself out of it. And the residual shame of lack of character that happens whenever I’m emotionally indulgent. In this evening, it would have been to curl up under the bed covers, eating sushi and drinking wine while trying to plan how to overcome this issue. 2) or I could pick my sorry ass up and go to practice.
So I did, and it was good. And it’s ok to be low, just remember it can be like quicksand. And the sooner you reach for a branch, to help drag yourself out of it, the better.